Setting healthy boundaries from a place of love
Personal boundaries can be defined as limits, principles, and standards we set for ourselves within relationships – including the relationship we have with ourselves.
It can be really difficult to maintain our personal boundaries, especially when we’re dealing with a lot going on in our lives. But this is when its especially important – and actually critical – to adhere to our personal boundaries and not allow boundary violations or infringements.
It’s also important to know how boundaries need to be set in order to best serve us and best serve the world.
The key concept is healthy boundaries. This is when boundaries are set consciously and with intention. Healthy boundaries are set from a heart-centered energy of love. Healthy boundaries are meant to protect what’s most important to you. I know that this can seem selfish and also challenging, especially if you, like most people, have people-pleasing tendencies. I get this. You want to give, and help, and support, and provide a listening ear, and work overtime on that important project, and stay in touch with your friends, and get that workout in, and, and and….
But what happens when you just keep giving, without creating or adhering to your boundaries?
I found out at one point in my life when I didn’t even realize that boundaries were a thing. I’d just keep giving and giving, without any sense that I wasn’t creating and sticking with healthy boundaries. I’d fil. up my calendar with visits with friends, volunteer activities, social dinners, workouts, work-related events, even “self-care” activities like getting a massage or a pedicure. Because I had a hard time saying no, and because I didn’t want to let anyone down, my calendar would get filled up, to the point where I’d start feeling overwhelmed, obligated, resentful, not fully present, not giving my best, exhausted, unhappy, and unfulfilled.
I started looking for excuses not to do a scheduled activity which meant I started cancelling on people. I really disliked this because it meant going back on my word, which in turn felt really incongruent with who I wanted to be. In short, I was breaking my own boundaries – or truthfully, at some point I realized I had never created any boundaries to begin with.
I became aware that I was showing up in a resentful or guilty energy. My overwhelm led to feeling resentful about the activity I had committed to and anxiousness about my schedule which led to sleeplessness, sarcastic comments (yuck), and even the occasional angry outburst (double yuck). At my worst, I would lash out at those that I loved the most. To this day this is still a sign for me that I’ve over-committed and that it’s time to slow down, reassess, and reset my boundaries.
Do you recognize when you’re giving of yourself too much and are breaking your boundaries?
Here’s what it can sound like:
I’m fine.
I’ve done it before, I can do it again.
I don’t need help.
I just need to dig deep and push through. Things will calm down soon.
This is my responsibility.
My friends/kids/team/spouse are relying on me.
If I don’t do this, then nobody will.
I’ll rest later.
This is not the time to show weakness.
Do you hear yourself in any of these statements?
If you do, then it’s a sign that you may not be creating or adhering to your personal boundaries.
The outcomes of not creating and adhering to healthy boundaries include:
Insomnia.
Resentment.
Low energy.
Anxiety.
Overwhelm.
Passive aggressiveness.
Guilt tripping.
Fight picking.
Burnout.
Making mistakes.
Making bad decisions.
Unhealthy eating.
Skipping workouts.
Anger.
Negative self-talk.
Decreased confidence.
Guilt.
Shame.
Comparison.
Now, there’s no shaming or judgement here. I’ve been here too, and still get here sometimes. I’m simply reminding you to ask yourself if these are outcomes you want to have in your life? Do these outcomes serve you? Do they serve the people that you want to give your energy to?
Remember, the world needs your love, your positive energy, your care, and your support. This starts with creating and adhering to healthy personal boundaries.
Here’s how:
Set your boundaries from a place of love, towards yourself, and then to the external world. Take the time to figure out what your boundaries are. Do this in a quiet space.
Ask yourself “what boundaries would serve me best right now?” You have the answer within you so listen to yourself and trust what your intuition is telling you.
Create boundaries from a place of love. Not hostility. Not out of obligation. Not out of frustration. And definitely not from a place of selfishness. Remember, boundaries flow both ways – they’re not just for you, but also for the people around you. Be intentional with how the boundary is serving yourself, and others. Are you setting the boundary so that you don’t have to deal with others or get involved in anything? Or are you setting it because it will give you more energy, more bandwidth, greater ease, increased patience, a sense of calm, or the ability to give back? Be clear on the intention behind each boundary.
Create boundaries that are connected to your values – or what’s most important to you.
Check your boundaries against your values. This may take some practice and trial and error. Just because you set a boundary doesn’t mean you can’t change it. If the boundary starts feeling awkward or incongruent in real life situations, it could mean it doesn’t quite align with your values.
Communicate your boundaries in a way that feels right for you and comes from the heart.
When communication comes from the heart, it will be received by the heart in the other person too.
I hope this has helped clarify the importance of healthy personal boundaries and also given you some ideas on how to set boundaries in a way that is loving for both you and for the people in your life. Remember, setting intentional, values-driven, heart-centered boundaries is an act of love that will help you be more present and giving in your relationships, and give you the gifts of more energy, more time, better sleep, and more love.
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Boundaries come up repeatedly with my coaching clients – almost in every session, because they can be challenging to set and stick to, especially for those of us who want to help others and not let anyone down.
This is the beauty of coaching – you can bring up things that are going on in your life on a weekly basis (practically in real time) and get coached on them, work through them, and start new ways of being and doing.
If this sounds like something you need, I invite you to connect with me and learn about how I can help you clarify what’s most important to you, set healthy boundaries, and build confidence and purpose! Book a call today.